Key Takeaways

General

  • Quicker repetitions (2 mins only): to not let them become lazy repetitions

Players

focus

  • Focus on the other player. How is he affected?

  • “How does this affect you?” Players and observer: don’t focus on the reaction, focus on voicing the emotion behind it (the spark behind the action). With practice, players and observer will close the gap between reaction and emotion.

  • We train dual awareness: What’s happening over there and what’s true for me.

  • The instant path to relate to your partner is to work from what he is experiencing in the moment.

gap

  • focus on closing that gap: focus on voicing your reaction immediately, even if it’s not “exactly that”. And you’re even allowed to be completely wrong. If you are, you’re not alone: the other player and the observer will help voice it : “You’re not sad, you’re angry! True or not true?” (Or you can correct yourself: “No I’m not sad, I’m angry!”)

  • gap -> ask the one who has it -> how does it affect you?

  • hypothesis: the better you are at spotting the gap with yourself, the better you will see it with others

letting go

  • Importance of letting yourself being affected

  • importance of letting go

  • it becomes less effortful once you be done by the repetition

  • we all have to learn to be in the present (that’s difficult to repeat what happened in the past)

rhythm

  • how to facilitate rhythm?

  • rhythm does not mean speed

  • go with the rhythm - let the rhythm be important

  • reaction should be immediate not necessary instant

  • Don’t allow yourself time to be affected - that’s mind control game.

  • there is no rhythm and flow if you don’t work from the partner

  • there is no rhythm and flow if you do the repetitions (instead of letting the repetitions do you)

truth & trust

  • Troy’s way to get to the truth: focus on the other and demand the truth (how are they truly affected) from them – and when they don’t, it affect me! It pisses me off and makes me even more affected, stronger POV.

  • “- I feel lonely… you make me feel lonely.” “- No, actually, girl, you make you feel lonely!”. Don’t be agreeable, be bold, be truthful. Be simple, be honest. Be pure. Purity brings honesty.

  • the ability to express your emotion depends on trusting the other person

  • when there is discomfort: best way to come out of it is to tell truth in blunt way -> resets exchange

  • is the drawing on the wall ok as truthful POV? Yes, if it is coming to you - and not the other way around.

  • if you cannot track the pinch back from the ouch, it’s not working from over there

  • repetitions become easier with trust

tbd

  • my emotion mirrors the other’s emotion

  • how to better observe your feelings?

    • body is faster than my brain

    • don’t be afraid to be wrong

    • do happy sad angry with yourself

      • the thing that the angry is wrong is the actual emotion

Observer

General

  • Where did the observer did not catch the participants naming reaction 1?

  • What did I need to do as a observer to bring out more interaction?

  • Don’t get caught up in the movie - you need to be the director.

  • To help close the gap: “- How does it affect you? - [blank reaction] - Happy, sad, angry?…”

  • “too much is too much”, don’t try to over-control the dynamic

  • have the courage to ask what is behind

  • when a mask is showing up, notice it and try to get behind the mask; don’t let go before they go behind the mask

  • Apart from rhythm, truth, strong POV, the observer needs to

    1. ensure that we are not yet naming our own feelings and

    2. catch those “ouches” one participant misses to name.

interventions

  • if you have superficial ping pong going on: make it deeper by intervening and asking one participant “how does it affect you”.

  • make your intervention short and powerful to not break the rhythm (good example: “how did that affect you”; bad example: “as you just heard … if she is telling you, if you let that affect you, what…”)

  • maybe it’s easier to ask person who is affected than the other to observe it; you might have higher probability near the source…

  • asking the right person for the next deeper thing

How to reveal reaction 1?

by Troy Yorke

Another way to reveal Reaction 1 is to strengthen POV.

I say this, as “How are you affected?” is actually only one side of the equation, and it’s important to counter-balance strong Pinch with strong Ouch.

The observer then has more options: 1: They can ask Partner B “How are you affected (by what Partner A said/did)?” to dig into the Reaction 1 Ouch 2: Tell Partner A to strengthen their POV to make a stronger Pinch (this will give Partner B a stronger Ouch to work from within themselves).

If we ask too much or too many times “How are you affected?” people may start to numb out or become “immune” to the question.

Pinch & Ouch become dynamic when done with Strong POV (and of course truthful action/reaction!) Strong POV as a Pinch must be just as truthful as the Ouch (and encourage strong truthful POV when naming the Ouch).

Some food for thought, especially if the Repetitions become a bit shy, lazy or passive (or reactions become subtle).